Secret Suffering - A resource community for women who experience pelvic and sexual pain

My symptoms began five years ago after a very traumatic vaginal birth of my first son. Repair that was done during after the birth left me with an extra flap of skin that would get irritated during intercourse. This continued into many issues. I also was diagnosed with Hypothyroid around the same time.

My health continued to spiral downwards and with it my relationships with my children and husband. It affected not just me but them. Then I was diagnosed after the birth of my second son three years later with chronic inflammatory disease, this is an autoimmune disease. Which one, they can’t figure out. But they did figure out that it started with my immune system attacking my thyroid and for some reason has not stopped.

I have learned to manage my joint and fatigue on my own. But suffered from what I thought we bacterial infections and vaginal infections. They were treated that way.  Because of the autoimmune disease my doctors just assumed I was suffering reoccurring infections and most of the time the test came up positive but I still suffered from pain on a regular basis. This began to heavily affect my marriage in the last two years.

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I’ve been thinking about how many women (and men) have talked about how only intercourse is “real” sex and “real” intimacy. But I, personally, don’t believe that. Tonight, it ocurred to me that this is somewhat like my experience having a baby.

I wanted “natural” childbirth. I had a midwife and was determined to experience every single moment of the delightful labor pains that I would joyously embrace. No medication, no epidural, no nothin’ but me and my baby working it out together.

Then, about six weeks from birth day, I find out that Sam is breech. Well, no, this is not acceptable. They do a “version” (try to turn him using an ultrasound machine to watch). Three doctors and one stubborn kid. You can imagine who won. Just as an aside, they managed to push him half way there. They stood back with a smug smile on their faces. I swear I’ll never forget it. And then, just like that, he popped right back up. With a disgusted wave of the hand, they just said that was that … and walked out. Seventeen years have passed and I remember it like it just happened.

So, we had to schedule a c-section. I was devastated. The only “right” way to give birth was natural. That’s the message I had received. That’s what I wanted.

We picked a Friday. We went in, they gave me a very painful shot. And out Sam came. Now, don’t get me wrong, there were other problems associated with the c-section. But I never felt a labor pain.

Afterwards, when speaking with other mothers, when the subject came up, the moms who had given birth naturally seemed to feel that it was more “right.” I truly believe it was not just in my head. And truth be told, I felt that way too.

But then, someone finally said - “Who cares how you have the baby, as long as it is healthy?”

I still feel there is a judgement around about those who have children naturally vs. those who don’t. Subtle, but there. Just my opinion.

Anyway, that is how I feel about intercourse. For heterosexual women, it’s not the only real way to have sex as far as I’m concerned. There are vibrators, fingers, tongues, and whatever else two people can figure out to have fun and make them closer.

Does my husband feel deprived sometimes because we can’t have intercourse. Yes. But that sure as hell doesn’t mean I have to be in pain to keep him happy. And when we experiment and make each other have an orgasm in other ways, we feel very intimate. And he’s over it. Certainly a lot faster than the time it would take me to recover if I am flaring up and we have intercourse!

Sometimes, I’m well enough to have intercourse, and I’ll wait until he is close to finishing and then it’s ok for a short time. But even if not, we are still able to have a full sexual experience.

The orgasm, the closeness, the intimacy, the bonding … making each other feel good - After all, isn’t that the point?

However, I think this is like having a baby. Some people thinkg