Sam laughed. In fact, he giggled. And I wanted to cry. I was sad because I haven’t heard Sam laugh in so long. And sad because it was with his father, with whom I’m not laughing and to whom I’m no longer married. Don’t get me wrong, Sam’s dad and I get along … I just wanted my share of that bonding laughter with my son.
There’s a point to this that has to do with chronic pelvic pain and relationships. But bear with me a moment.
Sam was at his dad’s house. I called and his dad handed him the phone. I heard muffled laughter. And whatever they were doing, the phone had loud difficulty traveling from father to son. When Sam finally received it, the giggling continued … briefly. And then, a somber “hi.” With an implied, “what?” Followed by a silent (but I could hear it in my mind) sigh.
Sam is nearly 17. Perhaps that explains the lack of laughter overall. And I’m his mother, which probably explains it even more.
I asked what was so funny. “Nuthin.” Clearly sullen. I wanted to laugh along with him. It just didn’t feel fair. I raised him. He owes me (ok, ok, I’m a Jewish mother, forgive me). And, while hearing his big-little kid giggle was music to my ears, still my throat tightened.
After I got off the phone, I realized how little I laugh now. I just haven’t felt well probably most of my nearly 53 years for one or another reason, depending on the decade. But, still, my attitude was always that laughter was the only way to get through the dark times, to get through life at all with any measure of sanity.
In fact, I raised Sam with that philosophy since he was about, oh, two years old. Integrity and humor were two of the biggest watchwords in my home. As for humor, Groucho, Abbott and Costello, and Borscht Belt comedians. Too early with Sam, maybe, we moved on to political satirists and those who find humor in the mundane.
My combined symptoms and conditions that lead to sexual pain, which have led to this site and the book I am writing with Dr. E., are so serious. And I didn’t realize how they have robbed me of more than sexual satisfaction. They are robbing me of what I consider my life force … that ability to laugh, to find humor in the dark corners.
I have fibromyalgia, irritable bowel, interstitial cystitis, vulvodynia, vestibulitis, probably a larger list if I think hard enough. Oh yes, and migraines. I’ve learned more and more about how all of these conditions contribute to one big mess called chronic pelvic pain, which in turn contributes to and exacerbates sexual pain. Which is not funny at all.
And this has translated into a very unfunny, complaining, critical attitude that certainly doesn’t invite my son to feel gleeful around me (nor my husband, I suppose). It seems all my interactions with the people I love, not just my husband, seem to be colored by my symptoms.
So I was trying to remember the last time I laughed so hard that, if you’ll excuse the expression, I nearly “pee’d my pants,” There have been a few in the past year, but I believe, not enough. Study after study show the healing power of laughter. In fact, there is actually a foundation called, “Laughter Heals” that is all about this very subject.
My husband is a very funny man, in a wry, dry sort of witty way. We’ve had some rocky times over the past seven years since we met. Lots. And my sexual problems and indescribable pain at times certainly haven’t helped. But I cannot tell you how much his humor as we walk along the path together have helped our marriage.
After 9/11, I was a basket case for about six months, as were many of us, walking around feeling hollow and scared. I live in Florida, a far cry from the center of the horror, but emotionally decimated nonetheless. One day, much later, a comic shared his own pain with humor … and I laughed out loud with relief. And I remembered thinking, “Thank God for the comedians. Where would we be without them in the world of today?”
Tonight, I bought tickets for Sam and I to see a comedian we love. For a few hours, my pain will take a back seat. I’ll spend two hours hearing Sam’s laughter. And while I’m sure I’ll have tears streaming down my face, I know it will be with joy.
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What are your thoughts?